Marrying the Wild

Like a howling beast her teeth gnash up against my throat and I plead with her to calm down.

Give me peace Wild Woman.

She hunts and grunts.

I remember finding myself in the desert of Arizona one day in 2016,

Walking in the blazing sun,

Watching it drip into lilac hues as the day drew to an end,

No sign of anything familiar, no desire to be anywhere in particular.

Panting, dry mouth, thirsty & thrilled about it.

Content with the journey led by nothing but a wild whim and desire to explore my intuitive self.

I had really followed through this time, right to the bitter edge of the naked burnt horizon.

The energy in the desert is unlike anything else.

Spacious.

I felt huge.

My wild spirit had led me to a rebirth in Phoenix of all places.

And of course.

I recall writing a song the next day about never coming home.

I had been running with wolves for far too long.

And I have always been “that girl.”

That girl that laughs a little louder than anybody else at inappropriate jokes,

That girl that answers back and can charm the pants off just about anybody.

The girls that allows herself to cry openly and fall in love with strangers in the moment.

That girl that will convince you to quit your job and come mountain climbing instead.

I had always been that girl that was a crazy influence.

The girl with no clothes.

The girl that never quite had it together.

The girl that everybody looked at but never said anything.

The girl that all the boys wanted and then men dreamed about,

The girl that completely fucked up any concept of stereotypes just by simply existing.

The girl that got on stages and danced with devils until dawn.

That girl that fell in love in all corners of the globe.

That girl that puts her passion for uncensored expression above all.

That girl that never had a plan, but always seemed to find herself in the most magical places.

I am the girl the other girls when they are lost. When they need to make sure there is still somebody this far out in the woods.

And yes, I am always there waiting.

They call to tell they have done something unspeakable & they feel hideous, & I am so honoured.

Never surprised.

I’ve seen it all before.

They ask me if its okay, what the problem is, how they can fix it.

The thing is they are the girl that went out hunting and never came home.

Insatiable I am.

I always offer my best advice and pray for them.

Every person I have ever spent a decent amount of time with tells me just how intense that period of their life was with me.

I laugh because I know.

I know what I am like.

Reckless and forgetful,

Powerful and stubborn,

Wild and forgiving.

Sometimes I lock myself up, because I don’t know how the world will cope with all of me.

I barely manage.

I edge closer to daylight and something that resembles common sense holds the potency of a foreign myth.

I am on the hunt, with all my footsteps of honest freedom.

Nagging at me.

Sometimes it’s a passionate joyful ecstatic blissful attack of fearless ferocious creation!

Other times I am tired and I wish to stop and rest..

But I never have, not since I left the nest.

Restless child.

I remember my friends would sit and watch movies while I would dance like a psychopath behind them, breathing loudly.

My body refused to settle for somebody else’s imagination.

Living in a self proclaimed delirium of beautiful insight that only occurs from the wildest perspective.

My wild woman perks up and realises she can lure back into the wild at any moment.

I am at her mercy and she knows it.

“Come back.”

“Come and be crazy and free with me.”

I have always said yes to her, this enchanting creature that takes me on the most wondrous adventures.

Sometimes I don’t trust myself, it’s like I’m waiting for that moment where it all just explodes and I snap like a puppy on the full moon.

Like a dog who is loyal and warm,  will turn around and rip you to shreds in the blink of an eye.

She is my inner wild woman.

And I love her, deeply madly.

She does not make a fit long-term partner.

She is free, erratic and insanely beautiful.

She answers to nobody.

Nobody can keep up.

She does not make a reliable worker,

Because she doesn’t stay put.

She does not make a clean and tidy house pet.

Because she thrives in chaos.

And while this reality sounds like freedom and passion.

I tell you what – It’s exhausting being so fucking wild in a human world that has been built on plans.

And as much as I say, “Go with the flow.”

What happens when your flow is that equal to an earthquake?

I have fought this internal battle for a few years now.

Balance between this untameable freak and settling?

I don’t want to supress you wild woman,

I want to marry you.

I want to love you more,

So that when you do run next,

You are stronger than ever,

And the whole forest opens at your feet.

They hear you coming and there is a whole pack by your side.

Can you let me do that?

For us?

We must settle wild woman.

I plead with her endlessly.

We must learn to make love to those words like discipline, wait, heal.

In some ways I feel muzzled.

And it is infuriating.

In the softness of my heart I am grateful to have finally made peace with her, reluctantly.

Tears creep down my face,

Because I know there is more to come,

And that will happen at the right time.

I look in the mirror and I don’t see me anymore,

I see her.

I am curious to see what it’d be like,

To have a home made with walls that have been built on high family values.

With love and moral..

Can I lure you in with that Wild women?

Just a taste of stability.. Security?

What would that feel like?

It’s hard to remember when you’ve been running so long huh..?

Confronting to say the least.

Lost girls, Wild Women, Freedom Seeker, Dream Believer,

La Loba, we must settle for more.

Settle your restless shivers.

Still your explosive heart.

Shake it off Sister.

Shake, it , off.

 

from https://musesandmagic.wordpress.com/2017/03/17/marrying-the-wild

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